In this week’s column, just like “South Park” (but cleaner), any characters/characterizations real or imagined, visualizations and conjectured speech are for satirical entertainment purposes only.
Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages welcome to our new television program Onondaga Idol. In the wide-open race for Onondaga County Executive I’ve constructed an “American Idol style” method of selecting our next CEO. Watch as we whittle down a list of party favorites and challengers. Listen as they warble the latest pop tune that exemplifies their campaign.
But first let me introduce our panel of distinguished judges, first Walt Dixie, a community activist responsible for leading Jessie Jackson’s 1988 Grass-roots Onondaga County Democratic Primary effort. Next, Karen DeCrow, a nationally known and respected woman’s rights activist and Syracuse New Times columnist. Finally, the ghost of former Mayor Lee Alexander who, after serving 16 years as the city’s chief executive and being touted as one of the “Ten Best Mayors in America,” went to prison on federal charges involving conspiracy to defraud the city of Syracuse.
And now our candidates: former member of the Syracuse Common Council, former city of Syracuse resident, former City of Syracuse mayoral contestant Joanie Mahoney. Our next candidate is Dale “former-farmer-with-a-Dell” Sweetland, a longtime member of the Onondaga County Legislature most recently becoming the legislative body’s leader.
On the Democratic side there’s former Common Council member and current Assemblyman Bill “I-got-your-back-Bragman” Magnarelli and Ed “Underdog” Ryan.
As we go to a commercial break listen to Syracuse Common Councilor Stephanie Minor sing that song from Dream Candidates “And I Am telling You (I’m Not Running).”
“It’s Huge… It’s Huge”… Now back to our show.
Over the next few months our contestants will perform for you but first and foremost this is a singing contest. And me, I’m your host.
First round: We have the contestants sing a selection that will become the theme of the campaign when they walk into a room this song will blast from the speakers.
Ms. Mahoney. What have you selected? “I’ll sing ‘This is My Now’,” she says as she grabs the mic and belts out an anthem-ic tune:
“This is my now,
And I am breathing in the moment.
As I look around,
I can’t believe the love I see.
My fear’s behind me,
Gone are the shadows and doubt.
That was then.
This is my now.”
That was nice, now we go to our judges. Walt Dixie what did you think?
“Dawg, Dawg you got that tune but listen, listen I think you were a little flat on the refrain,” Dixie exclaims as he shrugs his shoulders.
The host shifts attention to Karen DeCrow. “Well Karen what do you think?” After what seems like an eternity and much thought DeCrow responds, “You’re a woman, and a mother … I think you are what every little girl wants to be when she grows up – unshackled from the kitchen, to take your rightful place in public life. We need you Joanie, and the service of the Mahoney’s, ‘just don’t move to ‘Boca Raton.”
Next we hear from the ghost of Lee Alexander. Lee? “Joannie you didn’t even finish the song.” An uncharacteristically angry DeCrow lashes out, “Lee, you’re just anti-woman.”
“This is my city!” Alexander shouts as slams his fist on the judges’ table determined to make his point, “I just know the song, and it sounded a little Karaoke to me.”
Thank you very much judges. Next we have Bill Magnarelli: Bill, what are you going to sing?
“‘I’ll stand by you’ by The Pretenders,” Magnarelli announces as he mounts the stage for a performance of a lifetime.
